How to Go Talk to the Girl at the Bar
Imagine this. It’s Friday night and you’re sitting at the bar when this beautiful girl walks up. You think to yourself, “Man, I’d love to go talk to her.” But instead, you do nothing but sip on your IPA and dream about the possibilities.
Life is short. Put the drink down and shoot your shot. Go say hi to her.
I used to fear talking to women. A long time ago. But after leaving the bar, she would be on my mind. I’d find myself wondering if she was the one, or if she was at least a fun person to hang with. Maybe she would have just been nice to talk to for 30 minutes over a couple of shots of 1800.
And I’d find myself haunted by another road not taken.
As I got older, the fear of what might have been, overcame my fear of being shot down. I began to take my shot. And I got confident.
Sometimes the girl would say no. She’d get uppity. She’d get upset. Her fat friend might scowl at me. "ITS GIRLS NIGHT!!! Can you leave us alone?!" I’d tell her she’s mad at herself not at me! And walk away laughing.
But sometimes that blonde locked eyes with you from across the bar. And in that crowded room, it was as if no one else was there and time stood still.
And those brief fleeting moments were so magical, that it made those awkward moments and frumpy friends worth going though.
Some nights, you just had a genuine conversation with a pretty girl. What’s Billy Joel say? "We were sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it’s better than drinking alone."
Other nights you wound up having fun together. Pulling tables together so your friends and her friends could mingle over fireball and innuendo.
And we’d leave after the bartenders kick us out. Hungry and full of youthful optimism. The kind that ends with her screaming "Woooo!" as we walk down the street in search of cheese fries and good times.
And then you wake up. And realize maybe we were getting ahead of ourselves. Lost in the moment. All jacked up on Red Bull and hormones. And you get back to life. Thanks for the memories.
But at least you took your shot. At least you didn’t find yourself wondering where that night would have taken you.
When Should You Approach the Girl at the Bar?
This is where most guys go wrong. The typical guy will see a pretty girl and just go talk to her. There’s nothing wrong with this, but you shouldn’t be trying to pick her up right away. You need to test the waters first. Talk to her like she’s a real human being. (Spoiler alert: she is)
If she starts giving you signs, then you can escalate to getting her number or taking her home. What are the signs?
One of my favorite signs that women will give you is what I refer to as “The Netflix Rule.” During peak #metoo hysteria, Netflix made a rule banning it’s employees from staring at each other for longer than 5 seconds. Which, while hilarious, is not entirely off base.
If a woman is staring at you for more than 3 seconds, she likely is attracted to you. That doesn’t mean she is 100% sold on going home with you! She’s simply attracted. She could be in a committed relationship, feeling bloated or just not ready to move into a new relationship. But it’s a good filtering process.
If she’s struggling to maintain eye contact with you, that’s usually a subtle way of showing you that she’s not interested. If you see her scanning the room or just looking away from you, cut it off quickly. Say, “It was nice talking to you,” and move on.
What to Say to the Girl at the Bar
My favorite pick-up line has always been “Hi, I’m Ryan.” It’s simple and effective. And if she’s interested in you, what you say is not that big of a deal. If anything, using a cheesy pick-up line just comes across as shady.
Now, you can always make an observational comment. This can be a great way to break the ice. This can be anything from mentioning the game that she is watching, commenting on the drink she has or something in the surrounding area that she seems to be interested in.
Do not make a comment about her appearance right away. It makes you look shallow. Do not say something negative or complain about the service. You want to be the fun guy. Be aloof, lighthearted and happy. This alone will help you stand out from the masses of normal dudes.
Then you can move on to what is essentially the “interview process.” This is where both you and her are getting to know each other. She will ask you qualifying questions to get to know you. You should also be asking questions about her. This “interview process” should work both ways.
This is where a lot of guys go wrong. They’ll spend so much time and energy worrying about whether the girl likes him, that they don’t stop to think if they even like her. I don’t care how hot she is, if she’s annoying to be around, I’m not wasting my time. Move on. This is the abundance mindset you hear so much about.
The most important part is closing. You need a “call to action.” This could be anywhere from getting her number to taking her back to your place. But you need to be clear about your intentions.
Do not let yourself get trapped in the “friendzone.” If you end it with, “Let’s hang out some time,” you’ll likely never take it to the next level. You need to make it clear that you’re interested in her in a romantic way.
How To Avoid Getting Friendzoned by the Girl At the Bar
Most guys who end up getting friendzoned are so afraid of rejection that they never make their intentions clear. Often, the girl doesn’t even know that you’re interested in her. She may suspect, but she doesn’t know.
Women always want to know where they stand.
What’s the worst thing that could happen if she turns you down? If you just met her, you can shake it off. But if you allow yourself to “wait for the right moment,” you’re building up anticipation and potential disappointment. This is wasting your time. This is wasting your energy. Find out right away if she’s interesting, and if not, move on with your life.
Pay attention to social cues. All too often I see guys go from casual conversation to leaning in for a kiss. You’re missing some steps. You need to gauge her interest. Is she holding your gaze with her eyes? Are her feet pointed towards you? Does she find excuses to touch you? Women are often very clear with their physical touching. They’re very aware of how they’re touching you.
If she’s brushing your arm, that’s a decent indicator. If she’s practically falling over you as she hugs you, that’s a good sign. If she’s laughing at your dumb jokes that’s another good sign. Many people will tell you not to make a move right away, but there’s a lot of room between no contact and making out with some girl you just met. Gauge the situation and find the right balance.
Most importantly don’t force a connection that just isn’t there. You can’t negotiate desire.
How to Appear Interesting to the Girl at the Bar
If you can form connections with the bartenders and people at the bar, this can really help your case. It provides instant social proof.
This can be accomplished by visiting the same locations on a semi consistent basis. Tip really well. If you want to be a regular, take care of the people who are taking care of you!
Make connections with other regulars that you see there often. Buy them a drink once in a while. They’ll likely return the favor as well. And make an effort to remember everyone’s name. Simply saying hi to them as you walk in and getting a hello back makes you look like the guy to know.
If you want to appear attractive, you need to be living an interesting life. It’s not hard to stand out today. Most guys are spending their leisure time playing video games, scrolling on their phone and watching porn. You can stand out as a high value man by simply having a passion project that you work on, an interesting hobby like martial arts or being well read. For more ideas, check out this list of 10 Ways for Men to Improve Their Life.
If you want these types of experiences, you need to up your dating game. This is something that I don't talk about too often, but this guide (NSFW Dating King Sex Magic) by my friend Niels is a fantastic reference guide for men who are looking to get good with women.
This guide explains the fundamentals of dating and sex in a way that you wish your father would have explained to you!
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